Blinky's Secret Weapon – Common Sense

Well, I'm out of Hongpong retirement just in time to cover Blinky McFibber's state of the fiefdom address. His involuntary twitches subdued by massive doses of thorazine and the blood of Pakistani civilians, Chimpy took to the stage tonight and...

Gave one of the best addresses of his Presidency – no joke.

Now, I am not jumping on the (imaginary) Re-Ascendant Presidency bandwagon, I'm just telling the truth; tonight's address, in both content and delivery, was amongst the best of the Bush Administration, a massive improvement over the sputtering "Armies of Compassion" speech of last year. Now, lest you hyenas leap upon fresh meat, let me add my list of qualifications to accompany the Best Bush Speech Ever classification:

1. Obviously, George W. Bush is the worst orator to occupy the White House since the advent of broadcast media
2. The budget will be the test of his resolve in accomplishing the goals he set out tonight, not the rhetoric used in the address
3. He did utter the words "human-animal hybrid" and no, I have no idea what that means, either – werewolves? goatboy? Robin Williams? (high hat)
4. The Wars on Drugs, Homos and the social safety net were evident
5. He is a lying, cheating sack of crap who blew noxious gas up my skirt about why he is snooping on American citizens

All that being said, however, there were some significant developments tonight:

1. A new use for old mispronunciations – nukular power? I thought them nukules were just fer bombing Russkies and Arabs. You mean to tell me that this technology, which we have poured trillions into the development process of in order to gain the crucial capacity to explode the world seven hundred and eleventy million times can be harnessed safely, cheaply and without any sort of hydrocarbon emissions? What? Other countries use it almost exclusively and without incident for the better part of sixty years? Fuck me...
2. A chicken in every pot, a Mexican cooking it in every kitchen – they're here, they're in fear, and they sure as shit aren't going anywhere. By bowing to logic (crazy, huh?) Bush pulls out a tough pill for his own party to swallow and presents the first progressive labor and immigration I've heard in a long time. In a speech here in Tucson several months ago, he actually said that illegal immigrants are "doing jobs normal Americans just will not do" – snap. Tonight he says that the economy doesn't function without them. Big duh, but find me other legislators saying the same.
3. Initiatives Clunkily Named in the Title Department – Whatever his innovation initiative is, and no matter how half-hearted a gesture it is, bring it on, because American high school grads can hardly count on their fingers. India, people, India – these people are NOT bad at math, and they DO want your job.
4. Speak for yourself, crack's more my thing – "America is addicted to oil" was another gem merely for its being uttered. There will be nothing done to change this savage truth, but I thought I detected some crap about 2025 and electric space cars. Methinks Fearless Leader has been watching "Back to the Future II" again. Think he calls the Ayatollah "Biff" behind closed doors?

OK, Dan's talking in my ear, so this is getting posted now without any further ado...