New To Me

New To Me But Not to You
Product Reviews and Culture Criticism Well Past Their Shelf Life

Hello, Hongsketeers, c'est moi. Today I will be bringing you a new feature, New to Me But Not to You, wherein I review movies, music and other consumer products months, years, or even decades after they come out. The point of this installment is to give you the reader and unbidden and undesired look into the lack of artistic, intellectual and culinary development in my life. By looking at the movies, music and food products that sustain me day-to-day, the utter vapidity of my existence, the complete senselessness of it, can be fully absorbed. And who knows, maybe you're a moron, too, in which case you might actually get something out of it.

Kronik Low-Carb Energy Drink: In a sea of vile-tasting hyper caffeinated sodas, Kronik stands out. It tastes like watermelon Jolly Ranchers dissolved in tonic water with a touch of rust, and doesn't seem to have the kick of other competing brands. I've never seen it advertised except for in the gas station and I suspect that the name is merely to attract stoned college kids into buying it so that they can make it all the way through Tron and pretend that it is, indeed, a great piece of "camp" entertainment. The packaging is corny, the graphics suck, and it isn't any cheaper than Rockstar or whatever else is in the case. In fact, in a market of slickly-marketed off-tasting coffee substitutes, it is singularly successful at presenting a sub-par product from the market research phase all the way through R&D to the packaging, advertising and distribution. In a world of hyper-developed products, Kronik is refreshing in its lack of complexity, forethought or quality. Rock on guys, just not anywhere near me (unless I'm stoned and they're playing Dark Side at the student union).

The Warriors: Now, I've only watched this movie twice since renting it three days ago, but I think that I can say, without drifting into hyperbole, that The Warriors is quite simply the coolest single thing in the history of things, thingness and thingery. Gratuitous sex and violence, fantastic cinematography, a plot a monkey could follow and the best wardrobe since, well, again, the dawn of thingness. Based on Xenophon's Anabasis, the movie follows an incredibly dressed street gang called (duh) The Warriors as they attempt to make their way from the Bronx to Coney Island without getting "wasted" by rivals gangs looking for them. Think of it as the Odyssey without any of those sophisticated imagery and metaphor and lots more hats. The word cinematic feels invented for this film, as the New York City shown is a complete fabrication, devoid of any semblance of reality, a woozy, dangerous parallel reality that I've been running over again and again in my mind. Watch it and love it.

David Bowie: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars: I can't really add anything to the tomes of reviews and retrospectives covering David Bowie's most famous album. Ambitious is a term often used to describe rock musicians' magnus opuses (opii?), but it seems apt here, as the album is almost more of a Broadway show-ette, big melodramatic nonsense numbers. A great intersection between rock, show tunes, self-aware narcissism and fame for its own sake, the first one or two listens won't probably have the same effect that Dookie had when you were thirteen (or whatever crappy music was flipping your switches at thirteen) but hang in there. An excellent compliment to The Warriors, as well, being a flamboyant folly of style over substance of the same general era. Will make you feel cooler, and will also allow for a greater appreciation of The Life Aquatic With Steve Zisou. It will not heighten your appreciation to the point of thinking that Life Aquatic is a good movie (only huffing paint thinner could do that) but will give you enough to get through it and, more importantly, its Seu Jorge covers soundtrack.

Crytal Light Fruit Punch: My penchant for all beverages diet has been duly noted, but rarely is a product as fan-fucking-tastic as this, as they rarely provide something so firmly connected to one's childhood without consequence. They may call it fruit punch, suckas, but don't get it twisted: this is Kool-Aid. Red Kool-Aid with zero calories and no difference in taste. Though we aren't all fighting the battle against simple carbohydrates (certainly Dan isn't- they make up about two-thirds of his caloric intake) but even for those who aren't, you can drink seven gallons of this stuff in a day without fear of stomach cramps, sugar highs and the corresponding comedown headaches. Unfortunately, no answer has been found for the stain-a-rific red color and your poops will still be purple, but your chance of adult-onset diabetes will certainly be lower.

There it is, boppers. Keep cool in the big cities and we'll keep bopping down here in the desert. Until next time...

Posted by Mordred at March 21, 2006 09:45 PM
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