Something Foul is Afoot in... Holland?

Dutch Snacksters

There was/is a show on the Discovery Channel called "Animal Face-Off", wherein the fighting ability of wild animals was/is determined in a "scientific" analysis ending in a virtual fight between computer animated beasties. It's a stupid but entertaining conceit, whose execution leaves room for significant improvement and whose battles are less spectacular than the ads would have (did) led (leave) one (me) to believe. One thing the show did succeed at doing, however, was instilling in me an appreciation for the relative arm strength of apes and gorillas. Useless, unprovable facts like a Gorila's bench press (800 pounds, natch) in my mind, imagine my delight when I found out that an Animal Face-Off had been allowed to happen of its own animalistic accord in a venue where many everyday people with little access to live bloodshed had an opportunity to contemplate death more vividly then ever before. That schoolchildren also got to share in this sober lesson on mortality was a plus, too, but the tilt turned out to be, perhaps, less of the epic battle I imagined and more of a merciless slaughtering of a hopelessly overwhelmed primate.

Courtesy of the Associated Press (this article also has pictures- beware):

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned. It recovered and fled onto a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

Once all the facts about the specific species of monkey and bear come out, however, the story gets a bit less intriguing. The Barbary Macaque (the monkey) is described by Wikipedia as "yellowish-brown to grey with lighter undersides, growing to a maximum of 75 centimetres (30 inches) in length and 13 kilograms in weight. Its face is a dark pink and its tail is vestigial." As if to add insult to injury for lovers of animal fighting (beasticuffs), the Sloth Bear, at six foot even on its hind legs and three hundred pounds, is a hell of an uncool and unfair sparring partner for the mini-monkeys those buzzkills in Hamsterdam put in the cage. Ten times as heavy- and yet, still a total pantywaist of a bear. A full-size male Kodiak, for instance, weighs 300-1500lbs. For that matter, an adult gorilla can weigh up to 360lbs. Now, Gorillas share 92-98% of their genetic material with human beings, and can probably be taught to tag team. Bears can do tricks and can probably be made to wear ridiculous costumes resembling those worn by professional wrestlers. I'm not suggesting anything, I'm just sayin'.

Barbary Macaque and Sloth Bear (click for larger)

Personally, though, I find the idea of pitting animals against each other in a completely engineered and unreal environment, just for our pleasure, quite off-putting. Having never seen an R-rated movie or watched the news, I was unaware of the cruelty and insensitivity of both monkeys and monkey media until I accidentally read this article. Now, my entire outlook on life has changed. Animal Face-Off isn't just another hypothetical undomesticated animal melee, it was life. I remember much the same feeling on September the 11th, when I looked at the TV screen and thought to myself my god, it looks exactly like the movie Independence Day, starring Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum... wow, haven't heard from him in a while...

Also, given the racial tension and social climate in Holland right now, it was probably not a fantastic idea to have monkeys and bears living together as one. Incidentally, the murdered monkey was related to Vincent Van Gogh.