POW!

Hello, everybody. My name is Jon Lyons. A lot of people think I've got something to hide because my avatar is an adorable kitten, but no...that's just how I roll. If I or anyone else ever says anything unpleasant here, just look at the kitten for a while and continue reading when you feel better. It's always worked for me.

I figured I should take advantage of my accound on old nostalgic HongPong to finally make my voice heard on the internet. As such, I had a lengthy post prepared about defending the traditions of The Enlightenment and rational thinking from the forces of Post-Modernism and cultural relativism, illustrated with extensive anecdotes from times I've argued with hippies at parties ("Science can't explain a...a bird, man..."), but ultimately my familiarity with marks on paper or screen ends when people start calling them "words." I did draw a cartoon for the paper about it, though:

Anything else I could say would ultimately be a watered-down repetition of the rhetorical devices used on Butterflies and Wheels. That being the case, I would much rather you looked at these nine drawings I did of people getting hit in the head. Standby...

[A depressing note from Dan: we lack the bandwidth to host Jon's pics in the full resolution & size he sent us. I put the originals in this folder for your pleasure. Most of the pics O pain after the fold]

Anyway, I saw Sarah Silverman's "Jesus is Magic" last night, thanks to the fine folks at the campus Hillel Center providing me with a free ticket, and let me tell you that she is without a doubt easily one of the funniest people ever to have lived. Good comedy should exist in a moral vacuum, with no concept of right or wrong, and few other people can manage to sound so oblivious to to the concept of taste on stage. And, you know, the jokes are good.

Theoretically I could contine this post and talk about how I saw Repo Man the other day and what a cool movie it is and how I finally understood it - Not really a movie to watch when you're 8. But the only reason for me to talk about something like that would be to try and justify posting silly pictures with some kind of personal narratives to make myself sound interesting. I should know by now that doesn't work.

This is Jon, signing off. [More pics on the flip... Pretty fucking awesome for a first entry --Dan]

Just another Day in the Valley: "Valley of the Wolves: Iraq" is officially my favorite movie of 2006

This is what movies are supposed to do.

We can all agree that Hollywood lacks any guts nowadays. Thus, the best "movie" movie of the year would have to shatter all boundaries of taste and convention — make you laugh, cry. Only Gary Busey and Billy Zane have the guts to get us out of this cinema funk. And they have.

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq (Turkish: Kurtlar Vadisi Irak) is hands-down one of the coolest movies I have seen in a long time. It will be a cult classic, it will cause some angry Christian riots in Cleveland. It's that good. According to Wikipedia, it is the most expensive Turkish movie ever. Actual plot details there - mine are purely visual impressions.

It's more cliche than an episode of Knight Rider, more crass than Jerry Bruckheimer, and it owes debts to Full Metal Jacket, Lethal Weapon, Hong Kong, Kurosawa, Ford's westerns, and every late 80's action flick on FX or USA. Check the website for an English trailer (WMV - ok on Mac) – because the version I downloaded was almost totally Turkish.

Set aside the canned "anti-Semitic" reaction. Busey really has no more than ten minutes of screen time as the evil Jewish doctor stealing organs from Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib and shipping them to Israel. But someone had to play this unique, absurdly comic villain, finally bringing the unreal Abu Ghraib universe into movie culture through wicked Dr. Frankenstein-style High Camp. (Abu Ghraib really is this pointless & random, I think is Busey's subtext)

Billy Zane is Sam William Marshall, the Coalition Provisional Authority messiah-figure / piano-playing murderous psychotic, usually clad in white. He poses as a "white hat" for the savages: get it? (I think Zane figured he owed the Middle East an outlandish villain after The Mummy - fair's fair)

Zane has an entourage of evil mercenaries – the khaki vests, buzz cuts and machine guns are a fair visual representation of a typical Blackwater Personal Security Detail. In the English teaser he seems to say "When the Turkmen are done, the Arabs are next," and the movie mainly follows the travails of the Turkmen minority in northern Iraq.

I got Valley off a Turkish BitTorrent site (here's the Torrent - it works, be patient). For a little clip hit this link and uncompress it. In that early scene, Zane, his mercenaries and the U.S. soldiers raid the Turkish headquarters in Iraq. He tips over a Turkish flag – cue the dramatic music. They lead the personnel out to the truck with bags over their heads, and in the film version, an officer writes a letter, and puts it and a Turkish flag in a bag, and shoots himself. The raid is true, the suicide, not.

I downloaded a version with poor sound, and extreme flickering (the frames are not synced - it strobes really bad). Also, everything was dubbed into Turkish, including Zane and Busey. No subtitles — though the English-language trailer on the website features their lines in English, so hopefully if when the movie is released in the U.S., it will be a little easier to follow.

This film is awesome, and it would be a huge hit in the states. It reminded me of Reservoir Dogs, Apocalypse Now, the insanity of the news, Bollywood, Rambo, The Spook Who Sat by the Door, Natural Born Killers, Lord of the Rings, the Chuck Norris flick Delta Force, a bit of The Matrix (roof escape), anything about Compton. Also reminded me of the book "The Ugly American" - as there is a scene with Zane handing out toys and food to the Iraqis while the media captures it.
(and of course Battle of Algiers and Lawrence of Arabia. And Xbox's "Call of Duty 2": the bazaar levels)

A lot of people die in "Valley of the Wolves." They are killed by a suicide bomber, crazed mercenaries with rocket launchers, jumpy U.S. troops, Zane himself. I took quite a few screenshots and so I will lay out a bit of the action. This movie would be huge in the United States – and it might make Rumsfeld's head explode in anger.

And I'm sorry, it's fun. It's revolting. It's utterly insane and packed with tons of Hollywood cliches, starting with the Noir venetian blind trick in the first minute.

Go look at the IMDB comments for a sampling of reactions. A Turk is pissed because the heroes are gangsters. How many ways could this movie make you angry? That's what makes art fit a certain place and time...

A little more of the cast:

Badass Sheikh Abdurrahman Halis Kerkuki. He intervenes in a beheading-video-in-progress and rides a white horse.

Strikingly similar-looking to the Battle of Algiers guy.

The two-bit Turkish gangsters who save the day in their black suits and white shirts. Tarantino heroes, without a doubt.

Leila, the young woman whose groom is killed in the wedding at the beginning of the movie (see English trailer). She kicks a lot of ass.

I started taking screenshots after the flick started, after the initial raid. Spoiler warning: this outlines a lot of what happens. Don't look at this if you want to be surprised. Including dramatic ending. Although I couldn't fully understand it.

There are a few dozen pictures on the flip. By "Turkish guys" some might actually be Turkmen. Again, I had no dialogue when watching.

Some kind of dedication ceremony. Dear Leader poster in back there.

Prisoners (including those captured from the wedding) are deposited at Abu Ghriab. Busey is furious that the mercenary killed a bunch of the Iraqis in the container. Yes, those are the coolers for Israel.

A dramatic conversation between Zane and the Turkish guy I couldn't understand. There was a bomb under Zane's chair. Zane is essentially holding the crowd of children hostage while the bomb is defused.

The evil mercenaries wasting innocent people. Rambo, anyone?

Sniper & suicide bombing type situation. Lots of wounded soldiers & innocent people.

More of the Abu Ghraib situation. German Shepherd & Lynnie England-style. The beginning of this scene is really shocking.

Public Relations - handing out food and goodies as media watches. Hence the subtle "white hat" metaphor.

Dramatic destruction of a minaret with priest inside.

Ethnic cleansing / forcible displacement of Turkmen, I think, as U.S. soldier watches, confused. There is a monologue of sorts, and I distinctly picked out something like "and then what of the Arabs?" This is pretty much the only place you will hear about the ethnic cleansing of minorities in Iraq – which alarms the Turks.

Sweet religious ceremony. This was really cool.

STAB!

Hostage video in progress. Who is that actor??

Zane has a piano moment.

Widow seeks wisdom from clerics and has a dangerous confrontation, handled calmly

Climactic battle - she is good with a knife. Turkish guys gotta save the day.

Classic Hollywood / Shakespearean ending / Nose ring symbolizes lost love & such.

Just another Day in the Valley.

I am sorry if looking at this spoiled some parts of the movie for you. Who knows how long it will take for this to get onto an American screen? If it never does, we are the poorer for it. This is great Saturday afternoon popcorn fare. I just want to actually understand the dialogue.

Just amazing. Just another day in the valley of the wolves.